Today I am listening back to old rave tunes and thinking about what’s been lost since the day of the first free festivals.
Within pride there has become an effort to resist assimilation which has been brought along with the naming of Marsha P as the starter of the gay rights movement Within the drugs, class and land world this has not happened.
Festivals have gates and fences and police. Someone always has to have their life ruined for selling everyone drugs on site. Before this, I’m told, gangs made festivals a hostile environment. Everyone knows everyone is on drugs but will stand by while someone is hung out to dry to create the safety they could get from legalisation. This is the white method of safety. It’s arbitrary and random, like a shit game of musical chairs. We could have just decriminalized drugs?
I came from where your drug came from. I lived in your dealer's house. As a child I saw your drugs cut and weighed. The police came and fucked up my home. And then a judge took it away. You weren't there then. And when my life fell apart you disappeared. No one defended my dad.
When I hear Sweet Harmony I don’t think of a euphoric moment of everyone coming together, I feel like I'm gonna explode because there's a child with complex adult feelings of loss that it can't understand. The loss absorbed all that energy, hope and magic and it became an insincere
So you're all abolitionists now which is nice! Maybe I can get more publicly wacky in other ways. Ready for the G word?
I loveeee the new Netflix show Midnight Gospel. But I have some criticisms about the use of prison within the narratives. Why does Bob (the prisoner) have to realise his violence keeps him from enlightenment? What an ungenerous reading of violence. Why use prisoners to tell a story about spirituality and the human condition? It's such a cliche. Why is it never on the guard to realise he’s pissing in his own eye? Why do people with jobs never have to realise how trapped they are? Why is the violence of the walls invisible?
The Buddha said we can get self realisation from any realm, human, hell or other. There is always a path. So why the fetish for hell? Do they know any violent prisoners? Why are we threatened by violence when it's criminal and not, say, army violence? Why are people so obsessed with these kinds of people's realization? Stop pretending to do Bob a favour. Or people who die in custody. It is at best a lazy representation, spiritual bypassing and at worst justification for oppressive control over people whose lives you know nothing about.
On the subject of spiritual bypassing I found this book the same week by a benign cult, the Hare Krishnas, talking to the biggest gang in the world, the lieutenant of Chicago Police public media relations department. They were
Carceral Feminism will ruin your nervous system. And if all you have to offer me is time, you're not offering me anything.
The now is threatening to the mind.
I can hear Enya singing Only Time behind me. It’s making me stressed. Time has been used against me over and over.
My trans initiation has been delayed to the future. My doctor told me it was good that I had time to think about it. I told her that without any support it was neglect. And the future doesn’t actually exist.
The nervous system is a time machine. My energy is leaking into different dimensions. It splinters my reality. And things happen in that time.
When my dad was given time. We lost our home. I went through puberty. He became an addict.
I've been waiting for two years for the GIC, I've become homeless again and my dad has died. I face a second puberty on my own.
Sentencing my gender to more nervous system deregulation. Riding austerity and fascism. She sounds so fucking ambivlient.
Who can say where the road goes? Who knows? Only time.
And I wanna scream, “No Enya, I mean... doctor, it doesn’t have to be this way!”
I've wondered a lot why class is the hill I am willing to die on. I feel so glad when I think about prisons and private schools closing. I found out recently that the prison I visited my Dad in was declared by a judge in court as like a holiday camp.
I get pissed off with people saying “They have TV you know.” Firstly, how oblivious. What holiday camps do you know where people and sometimes babies die of neglect?
As a kid my dad would write to me from prison, telling me the food was better than at home and how nice this or that was. I guess he didn’t want me to worry.
Obviously holiday performativity is one way of blagging your way though so you can't be hurt by reality. I used to do this sort of thing at shit jobs i've worked.
But when people who know nothing about prison say this it doesn’t mean the same thing at all. People are complaining a lot about the lockdown and I’m thinking? You got an xbox?
Performativity is a great way to muster dignity for the tough bits of life. My gender gives me a little something nice I can't explain that makes life feel doable. And I’m leaning on being on holiday hard to get though today. I've got the heating on too high, I've got bad sunglasses on and I’m listening to Holiday by Madonna.